The Pretender

Yes. I did it again. This time with the straight friends I befriended with since 3,4 years ago. We’ve been through together a lot and they have no idea that all this while they’re befriending a gay. They were more like my study friends. We had studied, discussion, you name it, together. Currently they(a couple and a guy) are doing their industrial training and came to see me yesterday during lunch hour. One of them wanted to see me for the weed. So it just happened while they’re having lunch(I already had mine with my fag hag) that he asked me to come to his workplace(a broadcasting company) to see the tv personalities(girls of course) that they work with and it just happened that I mentioned the name of a famous tv personality as if I wanted to see her! I mean, I have to do that just to show some interest when in fact I’m just a lousy queer who just can’t stop looking at this cute mate who came along with them! Yes, they brought along this guy to see me! OK OK back to the real account(but I hope he’s as gay too!). So the conversation went on as straight as they want to and I feel really bad. I feel bad that I had never been honest to them and even if I tell them the truth, I believe it will be catastrophic! I don’t think we’d be stayed as friends this long if I reveal the monster in me. So there I go putting on this strange mask I don’t even understand every time we spend those straight time together. The fact that I lied to them for all this while is hurting me in and out. I would regret it every time I think about it before I sleep and would cry if I’m sure nobody’s looking. I only come out to certain individual whom I believe would have no problem accepting people like me and who wouldn’t scrutinise me for what I am. Honestly, I hate pretending to be someone else, someone I didn’t know, someone I didn’t understand but with this kind of environment I can only hope that I’d live in a place where everyone is equally treated regardless of their sexuality…