The Arbitrator

Zade called and asked me what happened between J and me. I know that Zade will call me to talk about this. Being older and wise, he's the one who'll settle all the disputes occured between J and me. Zade: Where are you now? Me: I'm in KJ. Zade: What's going on? Me: Well, things happened. Zade: Why? Me: Didn't he tell you about this? Zade: Do you still love him? Me: No. Zade: Why? Me: I just don't. Zade: But why? Me: I have many problems right now. Zade: I'll call you back later. And I hope he won't because I'm not in the mood to talk about this(though I told everything to Yon because she's the first person I would go to when my head is asphyxiated with shits) love-hate relationship. It's over and I admit that it's my fault. I want this. I appreciate Zade's efforts(past and present) to reconcile things but this time, allow me to make my own decision. It's not easy and it's not overnight. I've been thinking, rethinking, considering, reconsidering the good and bad things out of this decision. Obviously, someone will hurt and it's inevitable. I'm sure J will get through this considering that he has had several failed relationships before and he, I think, used to it. This is my first relationship(I wouldn't call it love because it's just not) and I believe, I'll get through this. I may sound like one selfish-tough guy who has no heart but I know what I'm doing. At least, I'm not faking. At least, I'm not lying to him......and myself.